I Have 5-20 Minutes

Twin moms, hear me.  I need some reassurance from someone who's lived it and done it.  I feel like the most sucky friend on the planet and most anti-social girl when I do try to hang.  They're only two, which people say is easy, but I swear there HAS to be a reprieve coming, because this past month has simply been the hardest month in my time with my daughters so far.  They are fully mobile, climbing to stand on the countertops like monkeys, running at full speed in opposite directions, jumping readily out of strollers and shopping carts, and have zero concept whatsoever of danger.  Every time we walk out the front door, I jump into ready stance and wonder if it will be 5 minutes, 10, or by the grace of God 20 before I have to pull 2 screaming toddlers under my arms and smuggle them in to safety.

Last night I decided to take them to my husband's softball game, hoping we could run around the sidelines and enjoy the playground while he played a game.  We made it through the parking lot with me holding both of their hands.  Then they broke free.  We ran through the sidelines of the other team, saw the big kids on the playground, and quickly they were there.  Following up to the highest of heights and trying to do everything that the big kids were doing.  I follow one of them from underneath the structure, trying to guess where she is going to make her next move.  I wait at the bottom of the slide encouraging her to attempt it on her bottom (please please please don't try to run down it), when she throws me for a loop and tries to jump off the platform that is supposed to be the fireman's pole.  Then the other daughter is there walking towards me.  Thank God.  She survived.  At this point my heart is palpitating and brain flustered with worry.  We leave before the game even begins.  With screaming toddlers smuggled under my arm.

Then there was the zoo trip.  Thank goodness my husband was there.  We put them in the stroller to walk down the path towards the animals and didn't even make it into the park when one of them is legit jumping off the side.  She's free.  She wants to walk, but not with us.  Get her back in for a bit and the next time she's leaping over the top of the stroller towards me, no matter how much distance I give, grabbing and swinging herself on like a monkey and I don't care if if you're holding me or not, I am going to hold you.  We continued the battle and switched carrying and pushing until about halfway through when we decided to call it a day and go home.

For Christ sake, I would hope my front porch would be safe, and it was for about 20 minutes the day we set up the water table on the stoop until one went running down the street, up the driveways of neighbors with hands out ready to pet the snouts of growling barking dogs while the other moved full speed towards the truck pulling into a driveway 4 houses down.  Cue neighbors laughing and saying "Good luck!" quickly followed again by screaming toddlers in the nook of my arm, being dragged against their will toward the confines of safety.  At least in the kitchen the worst they can do is turn the TV on and off, rummage the cuttlery drawer, and climb up on the to countertops pulling out boxes and looking for snacks.  What I am saying is that two is a freaking zoo over here and I just pray we make it through unscathed.

So tell me twin moms, how do you do it?? When someone asks you for a play date at the park or to take the kids to the pool, how the hell does that work out??  How do you keep both children alive by yourself, let alone have half a conversation with someone?  Is this normal or are my kids bat shit crazy?  How do you keep your just turned 2 year old from jumping readily into the deep end with no life jacket and all of her clothes on because that's what the big kids are doing when you're trying to keep the other kid from pulling the entire fruit tray off of the table?

I know it's a season.  I know at some point they will listen to "no" and understand safe vs. unsafe, but in the meantime, I feel like I'm being a total standoffish B.  I avoid invitations and enter social situations with the kids with anything but a relaxing mentality.  No.  I go through life, through errands and visits, in the type of tense stance you take at arcade basketball game just waiting for the buzzer to go off, knowing it's got to be nonstop action and focus for the duration of the game, only the targets are moving and they're trying to elude you.  Sneaky little things aren't they?

So if I'm not hanging out that often or leaving after a 10 minute appearance, I promise I am not trying to put you off.  I DO want to be your friend and hang out and have a relationship like we used to.  But right now I am in a battle zone and weighing my risks and rewards on the daily.  THANK GOD for social media and text message or I shall surely never interact with another human again.  Advice welcomed.  Judgement denied.  Signed, an exhausted, yet very blessed mother of two year old twins.

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