My Battle with Myself

Holy moly I’m actually posting to the blog.  I’m sorry I’ve been gone for quite a while.  After numerous weeks without a single post, I’ve finally brought myself to write again.  I wish I could tell you it’s because I’ve been so busy with all of the amazing things going on in my life, but that would be a lie.  The truth is I haven’t written because I’ve been completely miserable and I can’t seem to snap out of it.  Like a cloud of darkness just took over my entire heart without my permission, I’ve been living day to day, barely going through the motions and trying to make sense of the sadness that I feel. 

I haven’t exercised in weeks, nor have I fixed a single meal.  My home is a disaster and even though it upsets me, I just sit and stare.  I don’t feel like doing much of anything.  I just want to sleep and then sleep some more.  

It’s not the first time this has happened to me.  I’ve battled this for basically my entire life though I haven’t had a spell like this in quite some time.  It usually passes after a few days and I can’t seem to shake this one.  I just got married and suddenly I’m living in constant fear of the whole thing falling apart.  I feel like my husband deserves someone better than me... someone fresher and younger with actual personal goals... and it is killing me.  I’m hoping these are just growing pains of new marriage and that I will snap out of it.  I’m hoping that writing about it will provide some sort of therapy and force myself to follow through on a plan.  I need to be ok with mediocre and find joy from it.  I need to be the wife he wants and needs.  

Starting this weekend, I’m forcing myself to be better.  If not for me, then for him.  I’m forcing myself back into the gym, a place I once loved.  I’m forcing myself to go to the grocery store and cook something small.  I’m forcing myself to get back to the blog with more upbeat posts about things that I typically smile over.  Maybe then I’ll feel a sense of normal and find purpose again.  Maybe the knots in my stomach will dissipate.  Crossing my fingers...

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